Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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