man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
