I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
