Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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