Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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