We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
