This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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