guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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