like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
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dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
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Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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