my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
