he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
