Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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