Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
