She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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