dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
