Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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