I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
