last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
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Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.