He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
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We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like