So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
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I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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