Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
