my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
