My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
