Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
