People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
