I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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