I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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