I should be sponsored by Trojan
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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