So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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