Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
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headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
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I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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