If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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