I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
