It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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