i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
