What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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