a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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