The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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