whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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