my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
