Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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