i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
