Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I am one with the molecules
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
