you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
