Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
