i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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