Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
