well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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