Ambien. No doubt about it.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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