When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We talked him into tasing himself.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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