My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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