I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I have fence marks all over my body
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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