I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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