I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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