I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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