we have pet lesbian snakes
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
