Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
