Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
