I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
