Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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