i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
