I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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